Executed Fiasco

Okay, enough of my pussy venting.

It’s fucked up

that in a sense everything is going well for me but yet I can’t take it in and be happy.

Aside from having a well paying job and a car I paid for myself that I like driving; I’m in a great video class, I film skateboarding and get paid for it, my videos have thousands of views on YouTube and they get played inside a skateshop 24/7, and thanks to my video class teacher I’ve stepped foot into the film industry and just shot an interview that’s going to be airing on Fuel.TV that will have an estimated 11,000,000 viewers giver or take… which I have yet to tell anyone about, including my own parents. On top of that I might just even be getting an internship with Mercedes Benz and landing a high paying job soon after (that comes with a massive discount on cars) and I see myself as just some dumb kid. Ha, how funny would it be seeing me, a dumb kid in school, in a $35,000 Mercedes Benz?

I’m WAY BEYOND where I imagined myself to be a year ago, even just months ago. This is supposed to be great and I’m supposed to stoked and happy for myself. Yet I’m not. And it’s not because I expect more out of myself because I’ve already surprised myself, but I can’t find any joy or happiness in me anymore. 

I don’t remember the last time I wanted to wake up, the last time I went to sleep happy, or the last time I genuinely laughed at something or with someone. Sure, people have seen me laugh but it’s just an act that’s become a habit. What sucks the most is when I don’t put on this front that I’m happy everyone notices and I get anything from “your so emotionless” to “do you just hate everyone?”

But in reality I’m FLOODED with thoughts and emotions, and I just want to talk to everyone and be nice but that’s become very difficult. Or at least I would like to think so still…




Coming to a poorly drawn out conclusion… I just want somebody to enjoy my life with, I don’t mean to come off as getting serious of the bat and wanting to settle down, but just having somebody by my side to enjoy the smaller things in life and just live life and make dreams of success come true. I once thought I had that somebody, once.

but…

I’m alone.

…they’re happy, and that’s okay.

Built up stress & loneliness.